


But the girls are loving it!

by Fessst



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Fanfic writer Jaskier, Humor, IFDrabble2020, International Fanworks Day 2020, M/M, Oblivious Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:23:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22550137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fessst/pseuds/Fessst
Summary: Jaskier writes smut fanfiction on AO3 for the most popular Witcher pairing. Geralt stumbles upon it... and he is not happy.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 30
Kudos: 168





	But the girls are loving it!

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the AO3 Challenge: "characters discovering fanworks about themselves".
> 
> I've never written any short drabbles, so here's my first attempt^^  
> Enjoy, and don't take it too seriously.

“Toss a coin to your…” _Fuck._

That’s what happens when you stick around troublesome bards too much, they start to rub off on you and the annoying song gets stuck in your head. 

Geralt scowls at no one in particular, feeling the irritation starting to build up. 

_‘Witchers are not supposed to feel’_ they say… _Well, somebody did a very poor job creating me, then._

He finishes his ale, wishing the alcohol would dull his senses enough to exorcise the infuriating (and impossibly catchy) tune from his mind, but proceeds to hum the melody all the way up to his room.

“...a friend of humanityyy,” Geralt drawls sarcastically as he opens the door and then stops in confusion. The room looks different than the last time, but then again, he has been in so many different inns lately, they all start to blur together. This time, however, the lute on the bed gives away the true owner and Geralt is ready to close the door again and try another, but a weird device on the bed catches his attention.

 _So this is the “notebook” that Jaskier told me about?_ Geralt examines the device brushing his fingers over the keyboard, which brings the machine to life. The momentary panic is replaced with curiosity when the screen flashes with a signature white&red background of the Archive of Our Own.

The profile page of “AHumbleBard123” shows 24 stories for "Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types". Geralt immediately takes notice of his own name throughout the page and his eyes bulge as he reads the summaries and tags of the bard’s works.

_What... the actual... fuck?_

‘Protective Geralt of Rivia’, ‘Possessive Geralt Of Rivia’, ‘Emotionally Constipated Geralt of Rivia’…

And the Geralt-flavors are not even the worst of it, what makes his cheeks truly flame is the wild range of sexual practices advertised right next to his name - Blow Jobs, Anal sex, Hair-pulling, Rimming… and what the hell is BDSM?

And of course, the “humble” bard himself is present in all of them!

Completely bewildered Geralt clicks on one of the stories tagged with ‘Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot’ and starts to read...

.

.

.

Three hours and 13 stories later Geralt knows that nothing will ever be the same again. Not after _that._ All the ridiculous songs fade in comparison to what he's just read. He is not even sure, which part is the worst. The fact that the bard writes about them having sex in all the dirty ways possible, the fact that he publishes it for others to read without his consent or the fact that those stories gather thousands of hits, kudos, and comments.

That’s when the door opens and the great creator himself, also known as the ‘Bottom Jaskier/Dandelion’, enters the room. 

“Geralt,” he utters in surprise.

_Right on time, bard, I was just finishing knotting your ass._

Geralt scowls and closes the laptop with a pop. Jaskier stares at him, his face contorted with confusion which slowly morphs into understanding and then into pure horror, as he puts two and two together.

The Witcher doesn’t say anything, he silently crooks a finger at the younger man, beckoning him to come closer.

But Jaskier was not born yesterday, he knows trouble when he sees it. Schooling his features, he cracks a nonchalant smile. “What brings you to my chambers, Witcher?”

“The better question is what kept me in your chambers,” Geralt growls, eyes flashing dangerously. “Come here Jaskier, I’ll show you.”

“Uhm, maybe another time, Geralt, I forgot something downstairs and…” the bard starts backing away towards the door, but Geralt sends an Aard sign to shut it right in his face. Jaskier jumps and turns back to face the angry Witcher. “Alright, let’s discuss whatever is bothering you in a _calm_ and _mature_ manner.”

“I am calm, but not very patient,” Geralt snarls, patting the bed next to him.

Jaskier bites his lip, (something that he writes quite often in his stories) and drags his feet towards the bed reluctantly. 

“Sit down, Jaskier,” Geralt orders, grabbing his shoulder and pushing the younger man down to sit next to him. “While you still can,” he adds quietly and watches the bard blanch with dread.

“Geralt, listen…” Jaskier starts, but Geralt interrupts him, shoving the laptop on his knees and pointing a finger at the screen.

“Is this the ‘muse’ you kept talking about?”

“I know you are angry, but let’s not overreact here,” the bard says in his best therapeutic voice.

Geralt takes the laptop and reads out loud, “Geralt licks up one side and down the other, swirls and flicks his tongue against Jaskier's hole, then pushes it inside while sucking gently on his rim… do I need to go on?!” he thunders and Jaskier doesn’t dare to meet his gaze any longer.

“Hm? Nothing to say?”

“It’s fanfiction, just a fantasy,” the bard mutters, eyes still firmly on his lap.

“No. This is my reputation. I went from the Butcher of Blaviken to the White Wolf to the Sex-crazed Monster-cock in my bard’s ass!”

“But the girls are loving it. Have you read the comments?” Jaskier offers meekly.

“Don’t even get me started on the comments!” the Witcher barks, throwing his hands in the air in indignation. “ _Idiots in love. Geralt is so hot when jealous. Please, please, please update, I can’t get enough of them_ ,” he intones, mimicking the voice of a young hormonal maiden.

Jaskier fails to stifle a chuckle and Geralt rewards him with another fearsome glare. “Do you think, this is funny?”

The bard sobers his expression somewhat, but not enough to sound convincing when he says, “No..?”

“You know what? I think I shall reenact one of your little fantasies, Jaskier.”

As expected, the bard opens his mouth in shock, the pink blush creeping on his cheeks as his brain undoubtedly starts going through his stories in search of the most desirable scenario. But Geralt has one particular scenario in mind and not letting the bard overthink it, he grabs his wrist and pulls the younger man face down over his knees, wasting no time in landing the first swat.

Judging by the response, this is definitely not a preferred scenario. Jaskier yelps and struggles to get up, but Geralt pins him back down with one hand while the other falls on his bottom with another resounding smack.

“Ow, Geralt!”

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you supposed to get all hot and bothered from your punishment?” the Witcher mocks, not letting up.

“It hurts!” the bard whimpers trying to cover his bottom from the ongoing onslaught.

“Lies. You are supposed to moan asking for more. It’s written right here.”

“Ow! That’s not what I wrote!”

Geralt stops spanking him then. “You are correct. I’m not supposed to be spanking you over the clothes. My bad. Let’s pull your pants down. I’d hate to stray from the source material.”

“No no no! Stop! I’ll delete them, I’ll delete them all!” Jaskier squeaks, hands digging into bedsheets in panic. Geralt allows himself a smirk. 

_That went easier than expected._

He lifts the redfaced bard off his lap and hands him the notebook. “Do it now!” he says sternly, waiting for the young man to comply.

Jaskier steals a careful glance at Geralt and then clicks on “Log out”. Instantly all the shameful stories are gone and replaced with site information and newsfeed.

“All done,” the bard says handing the laptop back to the Witcher to check.

_That was fast. Such technology._

Geralt grunts in approval and sets the notebook aside. He shifts his attention back to Jaskier and feels a twinge of guilt for manhandling him in such a way. After all, the boy meant no harm for sure.

He places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes in a small gesture of comfort. Jaskier offers him a shy smile, which successfully wipes away any remnants of anger he might have had.

“We’re leaving for Novigrad tomorrow,” Geralt says standing up and heading to the door. He is not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the way, his “I” became “We” and then just stayed that way.

He doesn’t wait to hear the bard’s response, as he exits the room humming the same obnoxious tune that’s been plaguing his mind all day.

“Toss a coin…”

**Author's Note:**

> Who else can't get the song out of their heads?  
> (I also love the metal cover by Leo Moracchioli)


End file.
